Jealousy can also contribute to relationship failure besides the many other problems that can devastate an intimate relationship. As defined, jealousy is a negative emotional reaction experienced when a relationship that is important to a person’s self-concept is threatened by a real or imagined rival (Parrot & Smith, 1993). Like most cases, the threat is another person but others can also feel jealous about their partner’s time involvement with work, hobbies, and family obligations (Buunk & Bringle, 1987). Some mistakenly believe that jealousy indicates the depth of a partner’s love, and thus, is a healthy sign in romantic relationships. While in actual research demonstrates that it indicates the degree of a lover’s dependence and, thus, is a sign of relationship insecurity. (Salovey & Rodin, 1991). Jealousy is found to trigger a host of negative feelings and behaviors and tend to lower self-esteem (Mathes et.al., 1985).
In spite of the negative and unpleasant effects brought on by jealousy, some people consciously try to manipulate situations to make their partners jealous. A survey of college students found that one-third of young women and one-fifth of young men flirt with others or talk about former lovers in an attempt to gain their current lover’s attention and to strengthen relationship (White, 1980). Those who tried to induce jealousy stated they were more involved in the relationship than their partners were. Little did they know that in most cases these tactics has actual consequences of being hurt, not helping the relationship.
Therefore, what ways of coping strategies could one employ in contending with own jealousy? Jeff Bryson suggests that all jealousy-coping strategies boil down to two major goal-oriented behaviors: (1) attempts to maintain the relationship and (2) attempts to maintain one’s own self-esteem. That is, if jealous individuals desire to maintain both the relationship and their self-esteem, they will try to negotiate a mutually satisfying solution with their partners. This constructive and active strategy corresponds to Rustbult’s notion of relationship voice. However, if jealous individuals desire to maintain their romantic relationship regardless of the loss of self-esteem, they may swallow their pride and put-up with the jealousy-inducing behavior. This passive approach corresponds to Rustbult’s notion of relationship loyalty. In contrast to these relationship-maintaining strategies, those who are more concerned with self-esteem maintenance often use verbal and physical attacks against their partner or rival. Similarly, jealous people who are not principally attempting to either maintain the relationship or bolster their self-esteem often employ self-destructive behavior.
Given these different coping strategies; Sharon Brehm (1992) brings up a good point: the jealous should think about both the short-term and the long-term consequences of their coping responses before acting. Like for instance, verbally or physically attacking partners may temporarily intimidate them into staying in the relationship while it also shores up your own sagging self-esteem, but in the long run, it will push partners away and lower your self-worth. Likewise, begging and pleading with your partner to end another romance may succeed in the short run, but it will threaten your self-esteem as it reduces your partner’s attraction to you.
A survey of young adults by Peter Salovey and Jodith Rodin found that the strategy of self-reliance was the most effective in reducing jealousy. The strategy involved jealous individuals containing emotional outburst, maintaining daily routines and reevaluating the importance of the relationship. Another strategy that reduced depression and anger among the jealous was self-bolstering, which involved thinking positively about oneself and doing nice things for oneself. Elaine Hatfield and Richard Rapson found also that encouraging people to make new friends, or to get a job, or to go back to school helped them to think better of themselves, which in turn reduced their jealousy.
In conclusion, the general recommendations coming from all this jealousy study is that the best antidote to the “green-eyed monster” are to (1) avoid emotional outburst that are destructive to you and others, and (2) develop a feeling of self-confidence about your ability to act and survive independent of the relationship. In the final analysis, even though intimacy involves an inclusion of the other in our self-concepts, our own health and the health of the relationship depends on our ability to develop a sense of self-independent of our partners. Do not lose your individuality and identity over in a relationship because your partner is just a PART of yourself BUT NOT your WHOLE BEING or whole identity as a person.
By: Jennlyn Y. Dizon
