At the heart of healthy family relationships is clear and effective communication.  In understanding the children’s stages of development comes about 80% of effectiveness in communication.  The remaining 20% of both verbal and non-verbal communication however can still be learned by following some tried and tested tips from child experts and good parents. 

If parents would know how to communicate effectively with their children, positive discipline will become an effortless consequence.  A parent should remember however, that positive discipline does not mean permissiveness nor does it only mean avoiding corporal punishment.  Remember that what a parent says as well as what he does (how he works, deals with other people, etc.) can be beneficial or detrimental to an observant child.

Keepkidshealthy.org emphasizes that earning how to effectively discipline your child is an important skill that all parents need to learn. Discipline is not the same as punishment. Instead, discipline has to do more with teaching, and involves teaching your child right from wrong, how to respect the rights of others, which behaviors are acceptable and which are not, with a goal of helping to develop a child who feels secure and loved, is self-confident, self-disciplined and knows how to control his impulses, and who does not get overly frustrated with the normal stresses of everyday life.

Thus, effective communication means effective listening and talking. Listening and talking are two different skills. But when do we know we effectively listens to our children? Try these simple steps on how to start listening effectively:

1. Encourage the child to state his concerns, feelings and ideas. Use a caring and

relaxed tone of voice – this way the child would feel sincerity and expresses calmness.  Establish eye contact and good posture to maintain rapport.

2. When clarifying something, do not immediately jump to conclusions. Ask plainly and simply but do not judge or make assumptions.
3. Resist the impulse to impose your solutions. Remember they are your children but they are human beings- an individual who is entitled to his decision but only needs guidance so do not go overboard.
4. Avoid nagging, criticizing, threatening, lecturing, probing and ridiculing. These are unhealthy ways of conversing with anyone especially children and adolescents who wants to be heard.
5. Treat your children the way you treat your best friend. There is a special bond that friendship gives to one another. Openness is established when one knows the other side is listening without prejudices.
6. Mutual respect involves accepting your child’s feelings. It is not always right to feel and project you are in control in order to be respected. Respect must be felt by your children when you do not impose to them what to feel and not to feel.
7. Understand what your child feels and means, then state the meaning back so he feels understood. Restating and saying back what a child feels and thinks over a situation helps bridge the gap of misunderstanding. It is right to listen to what they say and it is another thing to return back what they say so they can affirm what they meant is interpreted accordingly.
8. Provide a “mirror” for the child to see himself more clearly. Letting the child see himself from the outside perspective is helpful to see what the whole scenario is all about, that way the child can adjust his lenses and evaluates things more objectively.
9. Give appropriate feedback. These feedbacks are only about what the situation is all about and not telling everything you wanted to say subjectively. Make these feedback constructively and specific as much as possible in order for the child not to be misled.
10. Lay the foundation for problem-solving. Do not merely suggest what to do but let the child figure out how to solve a problem optimistically and objectively considering every important factors and by citing methods or approaches in solving them as the case may be. In that way, a child will soon learn how to solve his own problem properly.

Taking the next way to effective communication is talking effectively or effective speaking. This has something to do with You-messaging vs I – messaging and Open Responses vs Closed Responses. What are these?

You – Messaging lays the blame and conveys criticism of your child or teen. It suggests that the child or teen is at fault and verbally attacks like when we say: –        “You are so inconsiderate.” or “You are such a messy person.” That is the implied message which the child absorbs and not the issue you are solving or talking at hand. While the, I – Messaging describes how your child’s or your teen’s behavior makes you feel. It focuses on the parent, not the child or teen and does not assign blame. Examples are: “When you come home late, we/I worry.” or “When you do not pick up your things, they are an added load for me/your mother.” These are simple conversations but may lead to negative reactions and build-up of negative emotions when using the You-Messaging. However, I- Messaging is more beneficial and positively conveys response by expressing how you feel about what they did and not telling them what kind of person they are because of what they did by pointing your finger to them. 

Let us now try to compare Parent’s Closed Response vs Parent’s Open Response.     

Child’s Remarks		Closed Response		Open Response
I’m never going to work with Sam again!		“Stop talking that way.  Josh is a nice guy.”		“You’re really angry with Sam.”
Look at my new project!		“That’s nice.  Now please don’t disturb me!”		“You’re happy with your work/project.”
I don’t want to go to school.  My classmates are teasing me.		“Don’t talk that way.  You have to go to school.”		You’re afraid your classmates will tease you again.
I hate my teacher!		“Don’t ever talk like that!”		You’re very angry with your teacher.

Closed Response is setting the conversation to an end where the child cannot talk back openly or is not motivated to open-up because of what responses you have made or said when he or she is expressing himself or herself. Example of this situation that clearly manifests having CLOSED response is when a child says: “I’m never going to work with Sam again!” You would say: “Stop talking that way.  Josh is a nice guy.” – see here you already have closed the conversation by your response. Take another one like: “Hey, look at my new project!” You replied: “That’s nice.  Now please don’t disturb me!” or expressing their fears or emotions like: “I don’t want to go to school.  My classmates are teasing me.” and “I hate my teacher!” and you replied: “Don’t talk that way.  You have to go to school.” and “Don’t ever talk like that!” See here how we parents ruin the conversation, instead of our children opening up their selves to us, we are motivating them not to open. While using the OPEN response approach with the same situations we could have just said: “You’re really angry with Sam.” or “You’re happy with your work/project.”, “You’re afraid your classmates will tease you again.” and “You’re very angry with your teacher.”, are responses that evokes or elicit a positive sign that we are willing to listen to their sentiments or even accomplishments.

This clearly states that the way we talk and listen to our children is the road to understanding them but we as parents are the ones closing the door, breaking the bridge that connects us to them. Communicating to them and with them is a skill to master.  A challenge to change our ways and approaches in dealing with them is a conscious effort that will help them a lot in their development and in maintaining a positive healthy parent-child relationship.

Finally let us not be blinded, the truth reveals: Your Teen Needs You! As a parent, you may be shocked by these observations; you may disagree heartily with them; or, you may find in them a confirmation of what you’ve already suspected about the world your teenager lives in. In any case, it’s good to know that the experts with one voice offer this solution: adults being intentionally involved in the lives of their teens. Whether you’re a parent, a coach, a youth leader or a teacher, says Clark, it’s vital that you get to know your teen as an individual — not just as a member of a demographic. Teens want, first and foremost, to be known deeply. Beyond that, they also want someone to set healthy boundaries and they desire relationships with adults who care about them. (Lindy Keffer, Your Teen Needs You, FocusontheFamily.com)

By: Jennlyn Y. Dizon |Guidance Counselor II | BNHS Senior HighSchool | Balanga, Bataan