“When parents lose control of their emotions, a child is affected in various ways. The child learns that emotional outbursts (screaming, temper tantrums, etc.) are appropriate behaviors. Further, the parent tends towards negative rather than positive punishments and other ineffective behavior techniques.” (Smart Parenting III: Developing Emotional Control: V. Rev. Fr. George Morelli Ph.D.)
Truly emotions are such powerful forces that provide both pleasant and unpleasant reactions to the receiver, in this case the children. Learning how to handle emotions is a skill every parent should know and apply to one’s family in order that they are maximized for the positive development of every member.
Learning points must be noted by parents as they teaches children with managing their own emotions.
- Parents project their emotional expressions and behavior to their children. A Good Emotional Role Model is one of the most important ways in which children learn about healthy (and unhealthy) emotional expression is by observation. Basically, they do what they see.
- Emotions, if properly handled, result to emotional intelligence (measured by EQ). Aside from modeling acceptable EQ level, parents can help their children raise their EQs by developing healthy patterns of handling negative emotions by connecting with your child. To connect with our children, we must understand their emotions and experience those emotions with them.
- Proper emotional management results to good communication and positive discipline of children.
Imagine your child is yelling, slamming doors and having an all-out tantrum … but can he trust you with his anger? Punishing the behaviors associated with anger might be a quick fix, but without instruction your child will lose out. National anger management trainer Bob Bowen warns that children who never learn proper ways to express their frustration will eventually find their own, often inappropriate, methods.
“At 7 years old she may be yelling or pulling someone’s hair, but by age 16 she will have developed 15 other incorrect ways to say ‘I’m frustrated.’ She has to find her own path because, as parents, we haven’t given her the correct one.”
The road to teaching proper “anger behavior” can be extremely bumpy when parents are sucked into the heat of the moment. Parents need first to handle their own emotions. “When a child sees a parent managing his own frustration and anger, he will learn by example,” Bowen says. “How a parent responds to his child’s anger is how the parent teaches.”
Teaching discipline instead of punishing the child equips him with anger management tools that can be used the rest of his life. Here are eight things you can do to help your child learn how to express his anger positively.
Eight Great Anger Busters
- Model anger management. “Mommy is feeling very angry right now, so I’m going to
take time to be alone and get some self-control.
- Show respect. Don’t participate by calling names or getting physical.
- Give them words to express their anger. “I know you are disappointed, or sad or
frustrated.”
- Identify with their pain. “I remember when I didn’t get to go to a party…”
- Set positive limits. Instead of saying, “Don’t you throw that doll,” say, “After you put
the doll on the table, we can go have snack.”
- Redirect energy bursts that often come with anger. Encourage positive outlets like
running, jumping, blowing into a horn or painting.
- Avoid power struggles with your child. They’re always lose-lose situations. If your goal is to control, you will teach him to control others.
- Provide a cooling-off period by reading a book together or going on a walk. Then
calmly discuss what happened and make a plan for next time.
In his book, The Angry Child: Regaining Control When Your Child is Out of Control, Tim Murphy Ph.D. says if you feel caught in a vicious cycle of shouting and using threats to get what you want from your children and to achieve peace in your home, anger is a problem you’ll want to resolve. Dr. Murphy also writes, “When parents feel overwhelmed by their child’s anger, when that anger seems a way of life, the child has crossed the line from feeling angry to being an angry child.”
As a parent: Ask these questions to yourself:
“What have I been modeling?”
A quiet but firm demeanor showed I was in control and demanded respect; whereas anger never demanded respect and always showed I was out of control. For the mother who yells increasingly louder and louder to get her daughter’s attention, her daughter learns that her mommy doesn’t mean business until she screams.
Not only are kids less likely to listen when parents are angry, but anger is also contagious. Think about the last time someone verbally attacked you. Did you find yourself fuming? Did you want to yell back? Did you feel frustrated? It stands to reason that teens whose parents use anger as a regular way to communicate may find that their teen is angry, too.
If anger has been a regular way to communicate with your teen since he or she was small, keep in mind that your son or daughter probably won’t immediately respond respectfully once you make a concerted effort to tone it down. Be persistent. It takes time to undo bad habits and for all family members to adjust to new relational rules.
Why not take a personal inventory?
Have you unintentionally caused your teen to feel unwanted, controlled, manipulated or ignored? Have you kept your promises, been realistic in your expectations and avoided intimidation, bullying or comparing your kids? Have you tried to listen and avoided using your children to meet your own needs?
If you think you may have contributed to your teen’s frustration, remember no one is a perfect parent. With humility, hope and God’s guidance, there is always the opportunity for change. Because God created family, His desire is that you grow in your love relationship with your teen. This may mean journeying through some unfamiliar and perhaps frightening new relational territory by learning to communicate in a fresh way. The main thing to remember is to keep the communication lines with your teenager open.
What if sometimes you may need to show tough love?
If your teen is often disrespectful and angry and refuses to change in spite of your kind and patient efforts, you may need to show tough love.
In her book, Don’t Give Me That Attitude, Michele Borba, Ed.D. says that parents need to clearly convey that expressing anger inappropriately through yelling, screaming, raging or verbally attacking others will not be tolerated. Then it’s necessary to establish and explain clear consequences that will be enforced when your teen violates your anger policy. This may involve removing a privilege such as driving or participating in a special function. No matter what, remain consistent in your message that displaying anger in hurtful ways is not okay. The result will be a teen who can control himself and love others, laying for him a great foundation for a lifetime of healthy, rewarding relationships. (Shana Schutte, Focus on the Family)
- Games and other activities (such as computers) that are therapist-proven can significantly raise children’s EQ as well as promote parent-children bonding. (Raising a Child with High Emotional Quotient Workshop)
These helpful notes and approaches convey a clear message that we parents are the first teachers and models of our behaviour. More than what we teach and say our children what to do, our actions, expressions of frustrations and emotions teaches them how to feel and express that feeling which may be appropriate or not at all. Careful attention should therefore be sought in order not to mislead the young people on how emotions should be expressed. Emotional management should start from adults themselves carrying with them the key to children learning how to manage and handle their own emotions as they grow and develop into adults.
By: Jennlyn Y. Dizon |Guidance Counselor II | BNHS Senior HighSchool | Balanga, Bataan
